I used to have a habit of attracting bullied type people, pushy, obnoxious, over bearing, controlling and just down right mean people! Took me years to finally realize the only way they were going to stop was for me to stop them~and I did. These people are controllers.

Controllers believe the old jokes about training top sales people: no means maybe and maybe means yes. While this may be productive in learning to sell a product it can wreak havoc in a relationship. Controllers are perceived as bullies manipulative and aggressive. The primary problem of these individuals who can’t hear no, which is different from not being able to say no, is that they tend to project responsibilities for their lives onto others. They use various means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone. Controllers look for someone to carry their knapsacks (individual responsibilities) in addition to their boulders (crises and crushing burdens).

Controllers come in two types:
Aggressive controllers. These people clearly don’t listen to others’ boundaries. They run over other people’s fences like a tank. They are sometimes verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive. But most of the time they simply aren’t aware that others even have boundaries. It’s as if they think they live in a world of Yes. There’s no place for someone else’s no, They attempt to get others to change to make the world fit their idea of the way life should be. They neglect their own responsibility to accept others as they are.

Manipulative controllers. Less honest than the aggressive controllers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries. They talk others into yes. They seduce others into carry their burdens. They use guilt messages. Remember how Tom Sawyer tricked his playmates into whitewashing the fence for him? He made it seem like such a privilege that kids were lined up to paint!
Manipulators deny their desires to control others; they crush aside their own self-centerednesss. They are like the adulterous woman in Proverbs: She eats and wipes her mouth and says I’ve done nothing wrong.

Controllers are undisciplined people. they have little ability to curb their impulses or desires [like sending nude photos to you, I’m not interested in your pickle BTW, talking about sex to you when you’ve asked them not to, totally stepping over every boundary you set]. Also, going around all of my attempts to tell you in a nice way to leave me alone and using your bullied words to get a reaction out of me. While it appears that they get what they want in life they are still slaves to their appetites. Delaying gratification is difficult for them. That’s why they hate the word no from others. They desperately need to learn to listen to the boundaries of others to help them observe their own.
Controllers also are limited in their ability to take responsibility for owning their lives. Having relied on bullying or indirectness, they can’t function on their own in the world.

They only remedy is to let controllers experience the consequences of their irresponsibility. When finally controllers are isolated. [People stay with them out of fear, guilt, dependency.] If they’re honest, controllers rarely feel loved. Why? Because in their hearts they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they are pulling the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating they would be abandoned. And at some deep level, they are aware of their isolation. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. We can’t terrorize or make others feel guilty and be loved by them at the same time.

What’s wrong with this picture? It’s not the picture of love.

The love that God talks about isn’t seek a return on its investment: it is not self-seeking 1 cor. 13:5

Now I’m going to quote 1 Cor. 13: 4-8 the LOVE chapter because it’s the only LOVE I know that lasts and well I wanna love like this!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.