down at the river bend
that’s where you’re waiting
you are my reason for
tracing your tracks
in the snow
My thoughts
I’m no Angel
I surprised you with my response
Did you expect an Angel in your midst?
I can promise you I’m no Angel
I say things I shouldn’t
Do things I shouldn’t
Show up the opposite of your expectations
But then isn’t that sometimes the problem
Perfection is always expected when one
one is dubbed an Angel
I’m on Angel
please make no mistake there!
life is short, so don’t hold back, forgive like you have amnesia
✯◡✯ Happy Holidays ✯◡✯
✯◡✯ Happy Holidays ✯◡✯
But wait there’s MORE BLING
Bling does make me smile! Something about the sparkle draws me.
More BLING for BLING.
A time for healing
Sometimes girls need their Grandma and the wisdom she brings. BB needed her Gma.
BB hadn’t seen my mom in 2 years, long story…but as you can see Gma did what she does
best she gave of her wisdom to BB. BB is struggling, I won’t lie…with sickness and disease
that doesn’t seem to let up. Her faith is challenged with every new diagnoses. I cannot
articulate what this meant to me to watch BB and my Mom connect and together they
put together BB’s Zebra, Diva, Bling Christmas tree.
Ezra my sweet nephew came too so while he chased Angel [my dog] around the house BB and
Gma decorated. My heart is here all of me, the 3 people in my life that are my heart
walking around this earth. The 3 that have complete and total access to my heart and
for me this is scary. I don’t know why but I simply must be honest!
I cry as I type this and I don’t know why. I hesitated to share this,
but I know sharing is healing. ❤
I will remember You~A Thanksgiving to Remember
A Thanksgiving to Remember
Alex [BB] and I learned of Ruby’s passing on the day of Thanksgiving. We saw her sister at the house and BB said, “Mom Ruby is gone I can feel it.” I posted about Ruby on February 14, 2014, she came to our house and told us that she was terminal and she was going to die at home. I shared with Ruby the story of the loss of my beloved friend Debbie Avila, girlwiththepen and it blessed Ruby so. Through that loss I have also become acquainted with a sweet friend Genie, it amazes me how loss and the commonality of grief and missing binds folks together and cements a shared friendship. The link about Debbie and Ruby is below if you feel like reading.
https://michellemarieantellg.wordpress.com/2014/02/14/ruby-came-to-sayim-terminalshe-blessed-me-so/
August, 11, 2014, Ruby came to see me while we were baling hay. I blogged about her hugs and her determination to stay present in her dying! She didn’t want to be drugged and slip away! I cannot say enough or express myself properly about this so I’ll let my previous posts tell the story if you feel like reading.
https://michellemarieantellg.wordpress.com/2014/08/11/time-to-bale-hay/
Ruby’s sister told me that she wanted to feel all that life had to offer even in the pain of dying Ruby was such a fighter. BB is sad and our hearts are heavy when we look across the street and her house dark. I’ll miss Ruby, my walking buddy. She walked her dog Stinkpot and I walked Angel when the summer nights were hot even though she only walked “1/2 way,” that is what Ruby would say I’m only going “1/2 way,” she looked for me each night. Then we sat on her drive way in lawn chairs and waved at all the neighbors as they walked by. I am smiling now as I think how much she loved Alex [BB] when BB was in the hospital Ruby knew it. Neighbors pay attention to each other and when something isn’t right they walk across the street and ask because they love you and you are part of their every day life. This is what I love most about moving BB to the country, the feeling of community, being part of people’s lives, in life and also in death. Something about that makes my heart feel so big right now.
Often, out of our greatest rejection comes our greatest direction
Often, out of our greatest rejection comes our greatest direction
For me this is so true, when faced with rejection or what I perceive as such
I do withdraw, we all do because no one wants to feel less then
Out done, not wanted, not needed, perhaps not making the bill
The strength to fight the urge to disappear is hard to muster
When your second nature response is to flee, duck, cover and run
Standing firm and allowing this storm to pass over is the only way
To completely be free of this behavior, to make that change stick
Because I don’t know about you but when my rejection button is pushed
That is when I am most vulnerable, when I am most tender to feel like
I am not chosen, or not the favorite one
I could just choose to go away, but instead I stand and notice
What a lovely day it is, cold and brisk
I think I saw a deer in my back field, I know the stars were so bright at
6:20 a.m. this morning and I think it’s okay if I am not exciting,
the one that catches someone’s eye, and holds their attention
It’s okay that I am sitting at a desk while everyone else is on vacation
It’s just okay, right this very moment, and that is all I need to know
That is all I know, and with that I know, I am Okay
I’m not everyone’s cup of tea,
Not their choice
I am okay with that
this moment
I am
my answer
Someone asked me why I have made the decisions I have and at the time I did not have an answer. Now I have one it is this…
Everything is more complicated then you think and sometimes the only way to know that is through experience. It is so easy to say what we would have done, but really how can one know unless they walk a mile in that person’s shoes and live their exact life?
This is my answer, yes I believe it is. I have been searching for this. My search for words and this discovery, does neither absolve me of guilt, nor negate their validity, it simply makes me free to be me.
I really needed you to know this and I don’t need an excuse to be me and most of all I needed to know this for myself.
Tell Me About It 
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